Mental health ..? What?

I understand that I should be writing more frequently, I really want to it’s just that I have to many thoughts on my mind and very less tends to come out when I actually start writing. 

I would like to make this one thing clear that I am as fucked up in the head as anyone else and I am definitely not here to preach about how “mental health matters” or even spread “awareness” or how to deal with “mental health issues” because honestly I have absolutely no clue so as to how any of those things are done. 

Most of my write-ups are personal experiences which I like sharing with the world because they say there’s always someone going through something similar in this world and I would just hope that someday someone pings me up and says, I feel better knowing that I am not the only fucked up person like I had always thought.  

Most of the times I am very confused about everything in and around me. I fail to understand how my brain never gets tired. It’s almost like my brain is always high on caffeine. I have too many thoughts rushing through my mind every second. It’s almost a real time struggle because this stops me from being able to focus on any one thing at a time which is why I always sign up for more than I can deliver. It’s both blessing and a curse at the same time because even if the end result is good I tend to overwhelm myself a lot in the process. 
I mostly try and keep myself busy so that I don’t have to face my real emotions , I have always been an escapist my first reaction to any difficult situation is to find the quickest way to get out of it, which by the way is also the reason behind my troubles. I have never really addressed the issues and at times when I wanted to the person in front would not be willing to so one way or the other the issues I have always tend to remain unattended and unacknowledged. 

I personally feel that closure and answers are very important for everyone. It helps people understand, live and grow through the pain it’s only when the pain remains unaddressed it gets very deeply engraved onto your heart and starts reflecting in your day to day lives, it turns you into a cynic and willingly or unwillingly you start inflicting it upon people around you.

It’s saddens me very deeply to see this whole thing turn into a cool“trend , having “anxiety” is cool only till the time you don’t actually have it and you use it just to get out of situations. People fail to understand how insensitive they are being when they claim to have these issues just for the sake of publicity or to fit in or whatever. 
This is clearly not something which should be celebrated and turned into some kind of publicity propaganda.  

It’s very easy to say that “Mental health matters”, anything is easier to say when it becomes a slogan. 

It’s only when a person has to deal with someone suffering from mental health issues on a very personal level they understand how much more difficult life is it for “the person” having those issues, than the person who has to deal with them. If only people actually knew and understood what they supported this world, it would have been a much better place to live in.

I am so confused, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how I actually feel or how I wanna feel about everything that’s been happening lately, I feel like the three months of quarantine were extremely extremely weird for me because I could feel myself going into depression every single night and then getting out of it in the morning it was like a vicious loop, I remember the days when I cried for hours, legit till the time it triggered my migraine or made me extremely anxious.
I have gotten so many anxiety attacks and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to explain these things to people because people have a habit of invalidating emotions.
Humans are incapable of understanding other people’s feelings. Empathy is just a societal norm which people show that they follow but deep within everybody is selfish and self centered including me. 
Coming back to the three months, I don’t know how do describe it.
It’s like a very hollow feeling when I look back at the past three months, bitter-sweet I’d say. The whole idea of this pandemic and the lock-down was very overwhelming for the entire world and not just for the people suffering from anxiety. It’s only now that people around me have actually started addressing mental health issues as real world problems.

Also, I must say that I have learned some major skills and life lessons in these three months as well and that’s why I wouldn’t say that it was horrible entirely but when it used to get bad it used get bad like never before. 
I am more of an escapist, I believe in changing my surroundings whenever life starts to overwhelm me. 
I don’t like dealing with the problems because it gives me anxiety and all the things that happened with me during the lock-down was mainly because I did not have an escape. If I had the option of going out I would have distracted myself in 1000 ways, that’s how I’ve always dealt with situations but this lock-down left me with no option other than facing everything and feel the pain.
It’s like my worst nightmare had come to haunt me, for real.

It’s not like I don’t like solitude. It’s just that I like having my options open, I like feeling in charge of my life, I like taking control and this lock-down made me feel helpless like I had no choice but to do this. 
I am a rebel that way. 
Overthinking is my biggest problem I can overthink every single situation without even trying and when everything gets exhausted, I write.
It’s like my forte.
It sometime makes me miserable but this is the reason why I’m different from others because I’ve the power to analyse and write.

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